The Big V

Well, my husband and I have made a life changing decision. We have decided our littlest one will remain our littlest one, forever. At the end of this month we will go to the urologist to discuss the big V.

This decision is fueling an internal conflict with logical CAM vs. emotional CAM. Logically, this is the absolutely best choice for our family. I'm in school for the next five or more years. I'm currently perusing an AA and AS degree, perhaps fast tracking the ASN to a BSN. My end goal is a Master's Degree in Nursing. Pregnancy is something that would greatly conflict with this goal and only delay my progress.

The cost of daycare continues to rise. In two years we will get a break as our daughter will begin school which will mean we only have one left in daycare. With the current state of the economy, we really need the bonus of not having double daycare dues.

NTP has arthritis. This is not an easy disease to live with. Some days are peppered with great pain and stiffness. Some days it's difficult to walk. Lifting and caring for a baby only gets more difficult for my loving husband as each year passes.

Our home is small and modest. We currently have children doubled up in bedrooms. As they grow, more space will be needed and adding another head to shuffle through our small space is not something that even seems remotely fair to all that reside here.

My body does not do well with pregnancy. I know, most women say this. Pregnancy is difficult for anyone; but my health is extremely poor during pregnancy. I am considered high risk due to my weight problem and the fact that I start with severe gestational diabetes very early in pregnancy; typically in the first trimester. This requires multiple doctors on the case, one for me, one for the baby, dieticians, insulin shots, food logs, ultrasounds every month, non-stress tests and constant monitoring. And that just covers pregnancy and not the birth where I would be having yet another c-section. I've been extremely blessed that all but one pregnancy resulted in a beautiful, healthy baby. Anything more and I feel it is just a gamble. The loaded chamber will eventually fire.

It all looks perfectly clear on paper that this is the correct and logical decision to make. Yet last night when reminded of the upcoming appointment, my heart twanged instantly with the thought of never having another baby. If all of the above weren't a factor, I would have another in an instant.

So, our decision is made. I'm quite sure, in time, my heart will catch up with my mind.